i'm having a very productive day. I also am hiding out at Michelle and Joshua's house because its April 1st tomorrow and Kev tends to be a little scary on this day.

Good news!!!

My dilated pupils!!!

I just got back from the eye doctor and she says my eyes look healthy despite the steroids I am on. The only thing is a month from now I have to get a new prescription! Thank God for that!!!

thank God for insurance

So, I got a bill in the mail today from Oroville Hospital, my jaw dropped when I read the amount.
$52,181.39. Thank God for my medical insurance that will cover 100% of that stay.

a new life

I was once again hospitalized in Oro for some more issues my body came up with, i'm really trying to be positive and have a good outlook on all that is going on.



Good news is i'm off ALL psych meds as of 6 days ago, I have been on them since age 18(now 22) and told I would never be able to live without these medications due to my "diagnosis" well I do know that if God can heal my mom of her cancer on her near death bed he can heal my mind.



I am still on a sleep aid due to the steroids, they cause some insomnia so it helps me sleep when the rest of the world is asleep :)



I feel so good being able to say I take no psychiatric medications and I am doing well without :)

i'm in a bad mood today and I don't know why...

I can make it.

This is me in Vegas. I thought life was so good, I could do whatever I wanted and I did. I had my nose, eyebrow and tongue pierced. I would drink nearly everynight, just living the party life but something was missing and I knew what it was but I remained stubborn. Now several years later I am trying to find my way to God and have such a hard time. God saved my life so many times, I should be dead right now.

He saved me during my 3 suicide attempts and when I was in critical condition unable to breathe on my own. He did so much and I don't understand why I struggle so much to just give in. The emptiness is really starting to get to me, I roam around the house with no direction and I hate it and i'm tired of it.

I am learning with Bro. Krantz help that the past doesn't matter anymore, it doesn't matter what I did or didn't do, it was in the past that I was ridiculed for praying and told I wouldn't make it living for God because I was flakey.

I'm tired of this life and want a new one. With the help of God and Oroville church i'm starting to let those walls down and become what God wants me to be. It may take awhile and i'll mess up but I know that I can make it.

job

So i've put in resumes at like 10 places, no joke, and I finally got an interview on Tuesday. Its for the salvation army as a store clerk. Its not my ideal job but it will be okay for now.

Wish me luck.

Health news: Things are going really well, I have an appt Monday with a surgeon/eye doctor to see about my vision and I will be evaluated for the cataract that is forming in my right eye. Driving has become difficult, I nearly killed my mom and brother last time I drove with them. Noooooooooooo joke.

its almost 9am, i've been up since 7:30, not to bad. My boredom has reached a whole new level, I don't know how to explain it. Doc appt. today, again. I've had way to many this week. I feel like i'm a 22 year old trapped in a 70 year old body.

Good news: Krantz are going to be home tomorrow, which means Holly will be home and I won't be so bored. I think there are holes in our carpet from me pacing the house being bored.
I've managed to keep myself out of trouble and that is something good, considering St. Patty's was Tuesday.

thats all. nothing to interesting.

I kind of think I shouldn't write in my blog unless I have something good to say and maybe something different but nope. I applied for yet another job that seems hopeful, a noc gas station attendant, fun stuff.

Health news: Found a great doctor in Oro and feel really good about him and my medical care. He found the beginnings of a cataract, which explains my worstening eye site, and he told me its going to be a long road getting off steroids, 6 months to a year. At least there is an ending in sight and alot of the problems will correct themselves such as

*steroid induced hyperglycemia
*steroid induced adrenal sufficiancy
*steroid induced cataracts(surgery may be required)
*possible steroid induced osteopenia(dexa scan scheduled)

he's also convinced I still have my appendix though I had that surgery in 2005, he says the ct scan showed my appendix still hanging out...im really confused, I hope he is wrong. I'm sure he is.

enough on that...even I get bored of my own medical stuff.

restlessness is still coming on strong.
sleep is very much needed.

so its about 7:20am and i've been awake since about 4:30am, typical morning for me except I couldn't seem to get ahold of that deep sleep most people get. Even the dogs are still asleep.

job corps emailed me, asking when I would be coming back to the center and I asked them to start the paperwork for me to resign from the program, it takes about 2 weeks to be complete than they will double check with me and put the final paperwork through. Scary stuff! I gave up alot to go to job corps and couldn't even finish that, oh well. Live and Learn.

i'll update more later, maybe i'm finally getting tired!

2 dogs for sale

i'm selling or giving away 2 dogs. Prenamed Frank and Barkley but feel free to rename, dumb and dumber or stupid and stupider, whichever you choose. Frank is a boy but he's confused so you can make him out to be whatever you want for a dog. Barkley is good for an old man or woman, PLEASE take them!!! If people ask where you got them, tell em you found them, i'm not supossed to be getting rid of these "pets."

today...

Today I have

* stayed in my pajamas until 2pm
* changed my clothes at least 3 times
* eaten at least 3 string cheese just to read
the corny jokes on the inside
* seriously considered changing my last name
* felt sad
* considered misbehaving
* spent countless hours with 2 brainless dogs
* realized when I cry over certain things I get a bloody nose
yea, weird, right?

Another loooooooooooooooooooooooong day of nothingness, I met with my cardiologist who was just as frusterated as me with my health, my blood pressure being so up and down and never "normal" he took me off steroids which will just be restarted once my body freaks without them, its just a never ending frustration that seems to always lead to me being ill.

i think maybe my thinking today is clouded, i'm a little down as my youngest sister left town today, i'm missing JC alot and in general don't have a good sense of wellbeing. I have a hard time leaving the house, my face looks like a hairy balloon and I KNOW everybody is seeing that, if it weren't for docs and church I would probably be at home all day with the curtains closed.

out for now.

no title

i'm feeling a little down, I can't seem to get on top of my health, my blood pressure is now running very high as well as my heart rate, something that happened right before my 1st seizure. I'm sure its my nerves, I have alot of fear being away from the hospital and having so many problems.

however, today was productive, went job searching as usual and completed my "to do" list, which is rare for me :) The puffiness of my face is starting to go down which always makes me feel better, I hate looking like an ooompa loompa(sp?) me and H don't even look like twins anymore :(

this is life I guess, one hardship for another?

HOME!!!

So, i'm home. I think I was going on day 10 in the hospital. Way to long and way to frequent stays for me. I think the worst is over though, no more seizures and my tummy is feeling good. I'm bummed I missed church though, guest speaker Bro. Krantz :) was preaching and I missed it.

Sarah's in town, yay!

out for now, i'm tired.

day 7 blues

Its day seven of being a "resident" of Oroville Hospital, I wonder if I should pack all my stuff and bring it to the door step of the hospital. Goal is to be out tomorrow, I had a great day health wise, walking when i'm able and YES complying with the medical staff.

Sarah comes in tonight, i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited its helping keep the hospital based depression away.

i'm going to sign off because my room-mate is hacking her phlem filled lungs up and its grossing me out and I don't want a piece of her lung to land on me.

thanks again everybody for being there for me, having visitors helps me focus on getting well:)

out for now

ps.
Holl and Sis. K I fixed the title of my last post, maybe yaga was word in German

i'm feeling better yay

Well its 10 o clock pm and i'm writing to you in the hospital. I was admitted in general for some other problem and they by accident found that I had a small bowel obstruction(very painful) I've been here for almost 6 days now and SO ready to go home.

I have had alot of visitors so thank you all for showing your support.

out for now, bathrroom is yelling for me to come visit